The other day I had a recent friend of mine ask me if I was "emotional". And, like, honestly the question threw me off for a bit. When I asked her to clarify she just kinda looked at me and said "Well.. I don't know, you just seem to think like a guy."
Oh sis... If you only knew how driven by my emotions I am.
I admit she brought up a good point though. Innately I am so driven by my emotions. Everything I do has meaning to me. But I've grown up in such a world that I have learned to disguise my emotions with an attitude of "I don't care what you do to me."
I've tried to pinpoint when this mindset developed - was it living with two brothers? Was it the strength I developed from all the ballet and pageant critique I've received? I don't know where it stemmed from exactly. All I know is that its apart of who I am.
Speaking in terms of color code, I am the definition of blue with the mask of a red. As far as background goes, my mother is a blue and showcases my natural blue. But my father, he is the truest red you will ever meet. And it is because of his influence that I have such learned red characteristics of responsibility, leadership, etc.
Keeping in mind every color has its strengths and weaknesses, having a blue personality can be both a blessing and curse - as other colors can be too. As a blue personality some of my strengths include loyalty, a sense of purpose and a generally do-good demeanor. Like I stated earlier, everything has meaning to me. Life has rich meaning based on strong emotions of happiness and love that are deeply felt.
On the flip side, having a blue personality can be tough. When things get hard, they get pretty hard - like extremely hard. But I've learned to manage my blue personality.
So for days like today - for days when I just want to bury underneath my covers all day; I tell myself I get to spend a solid thirty minutes being sad. And during that thirty minutes I get to be as sad as I want. I get to cry, I get to vent to my best friend and mother. I get to listen to Bon Iver + John Mayer and I get to sleep.Because life is all about taking what you've been given and working with it.
But once that thirty minutes is over, its over.
And even if I want to continue to be sad, I don't let myself. And even if continuing to be sad is the easier thing to do, it isn't the right thing to do. So I'll get up out of my bed, light my favorite candles and get going.
I'll start making life possible with an understanding that sad feelings, yes, need to be acknowledged but should never restrict. Because life is too short to dwell on the bad. And life is too short to not go after and chase your dreams. So after acknowledgment, I am done and move forward.
And thats something I've learned about life.